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While cleaning the attic, Joan and Harry found an old stub for some shoes they left at the repair shop 10 years ago. They thought it would be funny to go to the shop and see if the shoes were still there. So they did. They handed the stub to the repair man who took it and looked in the back. He came out again and said, "They'll be ready on Wednesday."
Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.
"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"
"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................
"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
Q: Did you see my client flee the scene? A: No, sir, I didn’t. But subsequently I observed someone running several blocks away who matched the description of the offender. Q: Who provided you with the description? A: The officer who responded to the scene. Q: A fellow officer of yours provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust this fellow officer? A: Yes, sir, with my life. Q: With your life? Let me then ask you this, officer. Do you have a room were you change your clothes in preparation for the day’s duties? A: Yes, sir, we do. Q: And do you have a locker in that room? A: Yes, sir, I do. Q: And do you have a lock on your locker? A: Yes, sir. Q: Why is it, officer, that if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those some officers? A: You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex. And sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years
Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?
Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Southern Law Joke
Questions asked in a courtroom can be very revealing... especially in the South. Even of an old, sweet lady many would be happy to call grandma.
In a trial in the heart of the South, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly woman he had known since childhood, to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Whitaker, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Coolidge. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit lawyer. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Whitaker, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Of course, I do. I've known Mr. Johnson since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney turned red with embarssment.
The judge upon hearing the questions and answers thusfar asked both counselors to approach the bench. In a very quiet voice he said, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."